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First Semester Report Card
As long as the Colosseum stands, Sleeper shall stand; when the Colosseum falls, Sleeper will fall; when Sleeper falls, the whole world will fall.
Top of the morning, gentlemen of the Colosseum. As we prepare to start week 9, we've got some interesting storylines taking place. Mike is speedrunning his redemption arc, Vinny has been scorned by the FF gods, and Chris is -2500 for GM of the Year. After 8 weeks, all but 1 team (congrats Mike) are separated by two or less wins. Since it's November and we have approximately 9 weeks left (that count), let me remind everyone of the greatest 9 week stretch to end the season, potentially in sports history. In 1987, from November 1st to December 27th, Jerry Rice caught EIGHTEEN TOUCHDOWNS. There was a lockout that year, and they only played 12 games - fucker still had 22 touchdowns on the season. Take notes Marv!
So, it's safe to say week 9 will be important for everyone. If you're lucky, you'll get the same week 9 vibes as Peyton Hillis in 2010 (if you weren't lucky enough to play FF at this time, you MUST watch to understand the legend). If you're not, start paying a bit more attention to college football - the NFL draft is about 6 months away.
Now, without further ado, here are your report cards for the first semester of the 2024 season in the Colosseum.
Just a short year ago, a Doug Gimmedome first was as good as gold. Even with two elite running backs, Burrow at QB, and an above average WR core (at the time), Mike’s relentless self deprecation lulled us all into a state of negligence.
Now, the same thief in the night from the JSN trade has stolen first place at the halfway point. Over the past year, Mike has decided to make a run for it and offloaded picks for talent - bolstering his depth in the process. When the injury bug made a few appearances, his depth held him up. Looking forward, he’s got great depth at RB and WR, arguably giving him the best odds to win it all at the halfway point.
Mike’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned this teacher’s pet an A for the first semester. Well done, Michael!
If you’re like me & pronounced the Church dead on arrival to start the 2024 season, eat some of this crow with me. Conlan has drafted and traded his way to 3rd place at the halfway point, notably winning 3 straight to get to his 5-3 record. If he can get fully healthy, it could get even sweeter heading into the crucial end of season stretch.
The Church looked to be lacking depth to start the season, but they’ve made up for it quickly with immediate production from Ladd (WR22) & BTJ (WR7). If you haven’t heard, the 2024 class is doing ok. Don’t be fooled into thinking CMC is his only Chuba contingency plan either. Tyrone Tracy is marinating in the Taxi slot, waiting to use the +1500 aura he got from speedrunning a concussion. Things are looking up for the Church going into the winter.
Conlan’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned an A for the first semester. Nicely done, Conlan!
If you don’t love the story of Moneyball’s 2024 season, you don’t love dynasty FF.
In 2023, Chris clawed his way to a championship appearance and just came up short. He soon after decided it was time to tear it down, starting with AJ Brown in a smoochie deal with Mike. After that, he transformed into Howie himself and acquired 6 first round picks while somehow holding together enough of a squad to start a lineup.
If you said you expected Chris to win 4 games all year - stop fucking lying. Fast forward to week 9, he’s sitting at 4-4 with a projected playoff spot & has been quietly building a plethora of young talent via trade in our 1st semester. He doesn’t just have a lineup, he has an anxiety inducing army of FF crack pipes like Jayden Reed and Josh Allen who will strategically time their outbursts and stinkers to melt the dreams of contenders across the Colosseum.
It’s safe to assume Moneyball will ride this wave as long as it’ll have em - and damn it if we aren’t all hoping for the chaos of a Moneyball championship if our own ride ends. Chris’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned this overachiever an A for the first semester. Great job, Scarface!
Unlike the song, Luck was not a Lady to Zach tonight, or any night to start the season. While the injury bug has at least nibbled on everyone, it’s sucking on Zach like a certain someone in here suctions onto the chocolate milk at Archibalds. It’s a stark contrast from my reports last year at this time - every single one has a reference to Zach and a rabbits foot or Leprechaun’s cock while he squeaked out 1 point wins.
Injuries be damned, Zach is ripping onward and sits at 2nd place (also 2nd in points). He made an incredibly clutch pickup of Kareem Hunt, which arguably has saved his season & made it very hard not to give him an A. However, his bench depth relative to the other top teams signals a potential insufficient amount of studying this semester. Regardless, Zach is virtually a playoff lock and should be getting Nico back at just the right time.
Zach’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned a B+ for the first semester. Very good, Zach!
Tom entered the season in the beginning stages of a rebuild, but some crafty drafting has landed him comfortably ahead of schedule at the end of Q2. Jayden Daniels has been nothing short of a superstar, Bucky Irving is gunning for RB1 duties in Tampa, Tucker Kraft is TE5, and some high upside plays like Slick Rick, Zebra or Jamo could see a 2nd half breakout.
So, while he’s partially being graded on his last place standing at 3-5, he’s also being rewarded for ensuring it’s stock up for Might Compete Later in 2024. Watch out for him to spoil a few playoff hopes along the way.
Tom’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned a B for the first semester. Well done Tomàs!
How can a team with so much talent be sitting on the playoff bubble again? If you gave a child the attention TrustMePlease has given this team in 2024, it would closely resemble a Feeding America ad. The guy has more slots open on his bench than he does on his calendar for the rest of 2024.
Jokes aside, Nick has yet again faced an uphill battle with injuries to start the year. His 4-4 record doesn’t tell the full story - 4th in scoring despite multiple weeks with players leaving. He gets a gold star for a few big moves last year (yummy trade for Derrick Henry & Chris Godwin in which the best piece he sent back was a 2nd) that have aged nicely.
With JT, King Henry, Mixon, JJ and others, this team can go as far as the GM wants to go. Nick’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned a B- for the first semester. Not bad, Nick!
Tim has had an up and down start to the season. On one hand, he lost 3 straight to start the year, had a bunch of slow starts from his team, and sits at 3-5 (currently out of the playoffs). On the other, he’s 2-1 in his last 3, has a deep, talented roster, and he changed his picture to 2016 LeBron. Most importantly, 2 of his 5 losses came while scoring 137 and 145 points, so he could very easily be in 2nd place.
Even though he’s being docked for his stumbling start, he’s being rewarded for drafting a bald guy and allowing Josh Downs to blossom into a tasty treat. Finally, a half letter grade was deducted (B to B-) for having Anthony Richardson on the roster. Don’t let Tim get a chip now or anytime soon, because with his plethora of picks, the money tree is just gonna keep growing.
Tim’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned a B- for the first semester. Kinda table wine vibe, Tim!
Life’s a bitch and then you die, Vinny. While everyone has an injury or bad luck gripe in 2024, Vinny’s luck has me questioning if the FF gods are making an example of him. His PA would be the 2nd highest scoring team in the league, Tua nerfed two of his best players in one concussion, and he sits at 3-5 currently out of the playoffs.
Given the fact that his team is still the best in the league, it’s nutty professor to see Vinny 2 games off of .500. Let it be a lesson to all that the FF gods decide in the Colosseum. Still, Vinny’s C+ grade was also influenced by the gap of over 260 points between his points for and maximum points for - the largest gap in the Colosseum. Regardless, I’ll bet my left nut one of these playoff spots should be his, and all this roster needs is a ticket.
Vinny’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned a C+ for the first semester. You’re still gonna win, Vinny!
Can somebody cut this guy a break? Walt’s grade is heavily attributed to bad luck, and when I say bad, I mean heinous. Like, his opponents are averaging 128 points per game bad.
While it seemed like he was headed into murky territory at the start of the season, he’s actually had plenty of bright spots. Swift is averaging 16 a game, Pollard is averaging 14, and Kittle is TE1. Unfortunately, Walt double dipped his bad PA luck with bad injury luck, losing Kupp, Deebo, Diggs and Tua for varying amounts of time. Even with more than a few bad breaks, he has promise on his taxi squad, 2 1sts in 2025, and plenty of talent to ruin playoff hopes with. The futures holds numerous ways to turn the ship around for the Sea Isle Captain.
Walt’s trades, roster decisions and 2024 start have earned a C+ for the first semester. Not bad, Walt!
This roster, nevertheless in a dynasty format, is clear and undeniable evidence of CHEATING. SEE ME AFTER CLASS!
